The consequences, and the joys.
I’ve been studying healing for quite a while now. And many of my current life lessons, are things I’ve been aware of for YEARS. And although I get it, it’s stock knowledge, and although I know how it’s changed my life…it has taken me this long to fully grasp it at the level I understand now.
The choices we make can either be your eventual downfall, or your stepping stone to enlightenment, whatever that means to you. One small choice, can cause a ripple effect that can accumulate and be there with you forevermore, and whether that was a good choice or a not so good one, well, that’s on you.
For years, I made choices. Looking back, they were all conscious choices. Choices that did not benefit me, and yet, I made them. I chose those choices. I created those choices. I languished in those choices. And I’ve been waking up slowly since 2014, and now, my eyes are wide open, my energy, shifted.
- When I was 8 years old, my favorite Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox with my favorite KFC baon, fell open. All its contents fell on the the floor.
I made a choice not to pick up my fallen items, because I was shy/scared/I-don’t-know-what. I carried on walking like nothing had happened. Minutes later, the Lost and Found brigade came to my classroom and asked if my KFC bag and Strawberry Shortcake thermos belonged to anyone in class.
I chose to freeze. It was my classmate who nudged me and said in Tagalog “Isn’t that yours?” – to which I reluctantly raised my hand to get my item. Yes. Item. I made a choice to only get my thermos, and not my food. Why? I don’t know.
So I starved that day, but that was a choice I made. - When I was a teenager, I made a choice to be a bad student. You see, it really was hard for me to be a good student, as I just wasn’t academically smart. I had extremely short attention span, and I basically wore that as a badge of honor, refusing to find a solution to my problem. I branded myself the black sheep of the family, isolating myself from my smart siblings.
But you see, I made that choice.
I could have tried harder. I could have asked for help. I could have found solutions to my problems. Instead, I found an excuse, and drowned in it. It was so bad that I failed EVERY SUBJECT IN SCHOOL, even the easy ones, even Religion, almost to prove to everyone that I was “special”. That I was “different”.
I failed every subject, except English. My English teachers loved me, and refused to fail me, even if I was doing poorly in tests.
Many of you will ask (as did my classmates back then)…”Don’t you speak English well? Why are you failing the tests?”- You see, I spoke English well, sure. But I wasn’t gonna bother with grammar. Pfft. Why should I? It was only when I became an English teacher years later, that I finally opened a grammar book and learned the rules.
And what did I learn from reading the rules? That it was easy. If I just paid attention to the rules, it was actually easy. I could have aced every single test back in High School, but I refused to. I chose not to. I was too busy etching my flaws onto myself to make myself better. That was my choice. It was my crutch. - When I was 17, all I ever wanted was to go study Film abroad. Life situations didn’t allow this to happen, and I chose to go with the “woe is me” character. I entered Benilde begrudgingly, and I made a choice to hate life. I made a choice to be the bitch. I did make friends at that time, but guess what my nickname was? Yes. It was Bitch Mikagami.
- When I was 18 years old, I made one of the biggest choices in my life. It was April, 2001. And I made a choice to be depressed and anorexic. Yes. You read that right. I made that choice. I had mood swings sure, every teenager has them. But I made a conscious choice to take it further, and dig myself a hole so deep, it took years to get out.
I allowed my circumstances in life to burn me. I allowed myself to be the victim of my reality, and instead of finding solutions again, I decided to turn all emo, and it cost me.
However, this story is double edged. On one hand, I lost body weight, relationships, hair, a college education and youth. But on the other hand, I wrote like a motherfucker on speed, and some of my best work was created in this time period.
So yes, I drowned. Yes, I suffered. But I also made a choice then. A different choice. And I will discuss this again in the next sequence. - When I was 19, I had by this time quit school, and was spending my time in Repertory Acting Workshops. During acting exercises, I did a brilliant job as Don Quixote, and my group was the best. My group and I fed off each other’s energies so well, that we held comedy by the balls. I myself had made such an impact, that some people assumed I would be cast as Don Quixote.
Well, guess what?
You see, I’m not a singer. And well, Don Quixote is a musical. So, what is a girl like me to do? During the auditions, I made a conscious choice to fuck it up. I made a conscious choice to be the bitch, miss my cue, swear on stage, and just do really badly.
What role did I get? I was an extra. A much deserved extra. I applaud the director for not taking my bullshit, and despite knowing how good I was as the lead, it was simple mathematics for him: I fucked up my audition. I didn’t respect the audition, the process, the accompanying pianist, the rest of the students, and the directors. I didn’t respect any of it. So I was an extra.
Could I have gotten the lead if I tried? Probably not. My voice sucks. But, my life could’ve been different. The energy of that one choice I made penetrated deep into my soul, and made a lasting impression that lasted decades. You see, even if I tried well, and still got the role of an extra, the fact that I TRIED, the fact that I RESPECTED the process, would have changed things for me. It would have changed my energy, and thus, how people reacted towards me too would have been different. - At that time period, I was given an opportunity to try for Mowelfund, to study film. I needed to write a 10 minute script as my way to get a slot in the school.
I had a story. And I easily turned it into a 10 minute script.
Did I submit it? No. I made a choice not to. Fear you see. Fear is greater than desire. - When I found myself working at an English teaching company in my 20s, I once again wore the Badge of Honor of “rebel”. I was one of the favorite teachers. I always had a high student count, and a high satisfaction rating. I was the reason many students stayed for long. I made studying English fun, and I was effective.
But I never got promoted. Wanna know why?
Because I refused to follow rules. Sure, a lot of the new rules were eye roll inducing, but I made a conscious choice to rebel against it. I made the choice to “be cool” and stand my ground. So naturally, they found it difficult to promote me. If I just followed the rules, life would have been easier for everyone. But no. I made that choice. And I suffered the consequences.
However, I didn’t just make bad choices. I made good ones too.
- At 20 years old, my hair was thinning, my life was unhappy, and I had a whole bunch of creations that were just sitting around there, doing nothing. If I continued on, I would have made good on a past choice to die. But I told myself, no, it can’t be this way. I’m too awesome to just die. I must live.
I must live. I must be awesome.
So once again, I made a choice. This time, I chose to end my depression and anorexia.
It wasn’t quick, nor easy. I failed a few times, but I would try again. Eat a bit more. Smile a bit more. Engage a bit more. Do it again. And again. And again. Until it’s normal again. Until you’re okay again.
I got myself out. Good job, me, good job. - When I wanted to study Theta Healing, at that time, 35,000 php for an 8 day course was just too much money. The year was 2013, and although I wanted to do this, I chose a cheaper alternative.
I studied a different modality with a different teacher, and it cost me a cheap 5,000 php.
Good job, right? Nah. I knew then I still wanted Theta Healing, but I’ll just have to wait. One day, when I have money. One day.
Then, in 2014, I said “fuck this”, I marched to the Third Eye Wellness Center, and asked if they did installment plans. They did. So I registered. At that time, paying 5,000 php a month was still a lot for me, but I did it anyway. I made a choice to do this, and I was going to find a way to get it done.
A few days later, money came in. I was able to pay in full.
I made a choice. For me. I made a choice that I was going to spend good money on a good program, and the Universe smiled. - In 2013/2014 I made a choice to go on a spiritual journey. That choice still affects me greatly to this day, and I will FOREVER be grateful that I did. I would be in a much different place and state, if I hadn’t made that choice.
- When my marriage wasn’t working out, a few people encouraged me to stay. Because of vows. Because men are that way. Because I should. Because where would he go?
But I was getting thinner. I had become pale and gaunt. It wasn’t until I was showering in the bathroom one day, feeling the hollowness in my stomach, that I made a choice that enough was enough. It didn’t matter who was right or wrong. I didn’t matter how it ended. All I knew was it needed to end.
I made a choice to be better. I made a choice to put myself first. - In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I made a choice to revisit all the work I wrote in my early 20s. The work that I swept under a rug as my coping mechanism. As my way of denying what I really wanted in life.
And then, in May of 2020, I made a choice. Instead of closing all the documents, and once again forgetting their existence, I decided to REWRITE EVERYTHING. And so I did.
I wrote and wrote and wrote, and then a few months later, I made another choice that again catapulted me into another dimension. I did something I almost swore myself I’d never do again:
I asked for help. You see, asking for help in the past just brought me sadness and disappointment. Back then, I made a choice to be disappointed instead of just learning my lessons and moving on/elsewhere.
So ask for help I did. And I did it again. And again. And again.
help this poor child, plz
Every time I chose to ask for help…every time I chose to gain knowledge…every time I got critiqued and listened to the critique… I was ascending. My energy was changing.
You see, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if my work gets published or not. It doesn’t matter if what I’ve created makes a public debut or not. That’s just a bonus, if it does.
What matters, what truly matters, is that I’m taking action. What truly matters, is that I’m no longer choosing to be the victim. I’m no longer choosing to make excuses. I’m no longer choosing to deny myself. I’m no longer choosing to wear the badge of honor of rebellion.
I’m choosing to be open. I’m choosing to be vulnerable. I’m choosing to fail AND succeed. Why fail? Because even failing means I’ve taken action. Even failing means I’ve tried. And that counts for so much more than just feeling sorry for myself and not taking any risks at all.
I will do what I can to make it. I will do what I can to get to the goal. But today, just doing something, already makes me feel like a winner. And I’m nowhere near the finish line.
How’s that for perspective?
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