A bunch of random musings. Let’s go!
At 41 years old, I’ve learned that there are some things that last forever…different, changed, but forever, and some things…many things…that are impermanent. A fleeting moment. A lesson learned (or not, lol).
As a society, we are obsessed with attaining things. Conquering things. Achieving things. Acquiring things. Then posting it on social media because of course.
As a healer I know that much of what we see on the outside is just a façade, covering what’s really inside. And as I’ve grown my practice, I realize more and more what I want to work with, what I want to help mold and hone, versus what no longer aligns with me, not because it isn’t important. It’s just not where I am at in life. And if there is one thing I can share with a client, it is my authenticity. If you came to me during my first year in practice, what you got was someone who was in her first year of practice. As I change, my work changes. My environment changes. The people around me change. Some people stay, some people go.
As a healing student I was taught to accept everyone as a client because everyone deserves a healing. But as a healing practitioner, I realized that I have every right to reject people and owe no one an explanation.
Maybe it’s judgment. It is what it is. It’s whatever you want to see it as. But with age also comes the art of not giving a f*ck and making choices that are better for you, forgoing expectations and demands, and just making sure that YOU are all right.
I am nowhere near the girl I was 10 years ago and you know what? Thank God for that.
A few weeks back I was itching to get rid of a lot of my material belongings. I felt like I needed to prove that I can live without. But looking at the pile of things I had gathered, I came to understand that I didn’t need to reject the items I have acquired. Surely I’m not gonna grab em when a zombie apocalypse arises, but while I still have blood running through my veins I should surely enjoy these articles. They’re fun and they’re pretty and they make me look snazzy.
Sometimes we try to resolve a relationship that we know is falling apart. But it will get to a point when you will know that certain things have run its course.
It doesn’t mean that love is lost. It just means that the love has changed. Just like Innana coming back from the Underworld, we are able to see many things a little more clearly. And we are able to redefine what things are.
And just as the first Libra-Aries axis Solar Eclipse occurred on October 14 2023 (falling on my 11th house of friendships in my natal chart) the blueprint has been rectified and a new template has been installed. A few blogs back I bemoan the peaceful but lonely solitude I seem to have been allotted in life. But now I wonder if I can learn a new style of alliance. What it’s like to be listened to, loved, supported, not just through words, but through action and energy as well. I have a year and a half to find out.
For someone who grew up in LACK (ironically enough, in an environment of WEALTH), I always wanted to know what was mine. But what I am currently learning is the power of security despite impermanence and changeability.
One of the greatest things I had to go through was living alone in a freelance job during the pandemic. I relied on no one and at the same time relied on everyone to continue using my services despite a global crisis. I thrived at this time period, and was in complete awe of how amazing things were despite the chaos the rest of the world was exhibiting. While others were going through pain and loss, I was comfortable and out of harms way.
As human beings, we want to make sure we are grounded. Safe and secure. That we will always be all right. That we won’t starve or be alone or whatever your greatest fear is. And by holding on to what we believe is right — what we believe is safe — what we believe is true — sometimes we fool ourselves and forget to truly live at all.
Sometimes we need to let go of the steering wheel and let universe do its job.
I’ve had good things fall apart. We all have patterns. Therefore keeping my walls up in certain areas of my life was just much easier than dealing with the inevitable pain and discomfort of allowing people in.
But as I mentioned above, what’s the point of living then if I don’t experience the whole ocean of emotional depth that humans are capable of? The ups and downs of the extent of mortal sentiments is exhausting, but it is what makes us grow.
As a healing student, one of my classmates participated in an exercise using the power of the mind to get over a breakup as quickly as she could. Using the Theta brainwave, she was able to grieve and heal in less than a week, and she claimed to be fine after.
I was, and still am, unsure of this kind of practice. I believe we should use these tools to heal faster and better, but not to skip the process entirely. Time is essential. Time is part of the ingredient list. How can we be sure to get all of what we need to get from a situation if we pretend it never existed in the first place?
That being said, the extreme side of the other coin is also tiresome and we shouldn’t lament forever. Side eye emoji. So says the girl who laments forever.
Anyway. 41 year old me has chosen to participate in the extravagance of the human experience – but this time, with my wiser bones and skin. I don’t need to experience everything, as I know who and what to say NO to. I choose my time and energy well, and I will spend the rest of my days sometimes knowing, and sometimes learning as I go.
Love hurts. But love also heals. We have to experience BOTH. And we have to applaud how far we’ve come.
In another 10 years, I’ll be a different version of myself. I’ll meet her when I meet her. But in the meantime I will enjoy the blob of who I am today, fleeting and unsure, secure but also without answers. A blob of impermanence. A blob of hope. Embracing what time has to offer me.
pretending to be smart,
brit
Leave a Reply