A while back, a man asked me why I don’t date. I replied to the best of my ability but I don’t think he was satisfied with my answer. His intention was to get to the bottom of my blocks and high walls but all I could feel was the overwhelming sensation of judgment over the “waste of my femininity” which in retrospect, really had a lot to say about how I viewed myself. I felt he saw me as a lesser woman, a waste of my body autonomy. But where did I learn that?
He isn’t the first to prod. I’ve had the exact same conversation countless of times over the course of 20+ years. It’s also interesting to note that it’s the men who ask, women don’t give a fuck what I do with my body. And over time I’ve had varying degrees of shame and embarrassment regarding my “failure” to engage with the opposite sex.
I was listening to a podcast a few weeks back that made me re-think my situation. Although I didn’t agree with guest Louise Perry in entirety, she did however make very valid points that made me feel heard and seen about particular things.
So in an effort to educate women in similar shoes, here goes.
Let’s start with me as a person. A year ago, Mr. Gay Philippines made a comment about my personality. He told me I have a tendency to adjust to my environment. I modify my speech, my time, my energy to accommodate whomever I am with. Interestingly, this is what makes me an effective healer, reader and astrologer, but leaves me weaker as an individual.
I have Neptune in a 3 degree orb to my Ascendant. This comes with its blessings and curses. Physically, we have Neptune to thank for my slightly ethereal, almost alien like body. Psychologically, this makes me a chameleon. I attract deeply wounded people who strangely enough find solace in my presence – and I noticed this even from my High School Daria days, long before I became a healer.
Having such a strong Neptune energy allows me to be sensitive, at times too sensitive to what is going on with the world.
In addition to that, Neptune is in a tight orb to Juno – the asteroid of commitment. So not only am I overly sensitive, I am monogamous by planetary alignment. This is my blueprint, and honestly? It’s not something I want to tamper with.
Growing up, my father didn’t bother hiding the fact that I was his favorite child. I was the youngest and I bypassed all the hardships my other siblings endured under his strict rule. What others thought was a loving father-daughter dynamic was a far cry from that in my perspective.
In my eyes…my tiny eyes that couldn’t logically explain the boiling emotions of RED deep inside of me…it wasn’t love that I felt. It was unwanted attention. I felt obligated to be physically smothered with embraces that I was uncomfortable with. But I was taught to be a good child, so be a good child I was. Quiet. Taking it in. Strong.
A good child.
Adolescence is cute when you have a crush on someone and you silently stalk them and giggle with your friends. Adolescence isn’t cute when someone has a crush on you and you don’t want to receive any of their advances. As a young adult, I didn’t know how to reject a boy who liked me, so I felt obligated (there goes that word again) to be nice to them which was mistaken to be a reciprocation of their feelings.
Hormones get the better of young boys and they react harshly when they realize you were never interested in them in the first place. This led me to believe it’s better not to be liked at all than to deal with their reactions to rejection.
For an extremely short period in my life, I embraced my sluttiness. I wanted sex, I wanted men who had girlfriends, I wanted to be the muse of songs and poetry, I wanted THAT. I enjoyed the attention and I reveled in the experience.
But just as quickly as it started, I realized I actually didn’t like any of it. At that time I thought that it was the cool thing to do. That I was the cool chick. That my promiscuity would be legendary and that would cement the imaginary legacy I had in my head.
But when we really get down to it, how did it really make me feel? Really?
Men did my bidding because they wanted my body and I played along because it made me feel power that I was obviously starved of. We were all using each other, which is fine for consenting adults, but that’s where the lines get blurred.
In the haze of being engulfed in what I thought I wanted, I forgot that I was a sensitive soul. I didn’t want any of this. I wanted to go home.
I’d been in situations where I agreed to sex acts because I thought that was what everybody else was doing. I was also late in the game and I felt I had so much catching up to do.
I’d been in situations where I agreed to sex because it was safer to say yes to something I didn’t want to do than to tell a man he misinterpreted my behaviour.
I’d been in situations where when I reject a man, they would throw epic tantrums, guilt trip me into feeling I’d led them on, or they’d continue to try to have their way with me anyway, even if I had said no.
Once, I was on Bumble and I did a rare thing of swiping right. Immediately, this man asked to meet at the hotel he was staying at which immediately raised red flags. What are the chances of a fit, tall white man accepting the possibility of me, 5 foot 2 with wrists made of twigs, making a decision not to go further? I suggested we chat for a while before meeting and I didn’t hear from him again.
Dodged a bullet right there and probably deleted the app right after.
Let’s be real. Men and Women are different. We are. Don’t get me wrong. Many women want the same things as men. Many women just wanna fuck.
But many others don’t. For the majority, females who give in to the fuck do it in hopes of forging a loving commitment after. What many of us fail to realize until much later on, is that the moment we give men access to our bodies, it’s game over (for the most part). The deed is done and the value has fallen. Even if a relationship ensues, the standards of that union is much less than what it could have been.
Since the Sexual Revolution of the 60s with birth control pills freeing us from the burden of associating sex with marriage and babies, we have also come to the far end of the spectrum where a first date puts the pressure of sex on the table. Sex that some of us don’t even want to have but feel guilt-tripped by ourselves or our dates into having.
Casual sex is so normalized that many of us are made to feel like a total weirdo for not having it. Body Autonomy became equal to Sexual Freedom, but for me, body autonomy was learning to SAY NO.
I DON’T WANT TO.
I was recently talking to a client about her situation. She has grown weary of the roster of men in the dating pool, and is quite frustrated that despite being open and taking action, things just aren’t working out.
As the session progressed and I scanned her body, the conversation shifted. It’s unfortunate that a lot of people around her were just coaxing her to try everything for the sake of experience and to engage in casual sex until she meets the love of her life. This isn’t a woman in her 20s. She’s in her 30s and she’s ready for something real.
Casual sex however just wasn’t giving her that feeling of sexual contentment and freedom that our mothers and grandmothers were fighting for in the past. Casual sex had become “ick”.
There was relief in our session that I validated her feelings of it being OK to be single and sexless until we find that one person we do want to fuck. Our pussies are fucking precious and we’re not giving that away to mediocre dicks.
Our modern society post sexual revolution has changed the meaning of “marriage”, “family” and “children”. With the growing amount of “baby daddies/baby mommas and deadbeat fathers”, casual sex no longer is an act of simple pleasure. What could be a one night stand for a man could change a woman’s entire life.
So. Let me reiterate, modern dating for men and women are completely different experiences for the most part because:
- Many women aren’t keen on sex on the first date. A lot of us who do it, feel pressure to do so.
- Women are biologically created differently, and rejecting sex can get us:
– beaten
– raped
– shamed
– threatened - Many men refuse to use a condom because it “doesn’t feel good”, and other birth control methods aren’t 100% effective. Therefore, a man can walk away scot free while a woman is left with a child (or an abortion).
- Expectations are different. Most women romanticize the scenario while most men just wanna get laid.
Let me be clear: In no way am I badmouthing the beautiful work done by the women in the 60s, fighting for our rights and clearing centuries of Catholic and Patriarchal views of our role in society. I am forever grateful that women today can sleep with whomever they want, and celebrate the moment.
But in today’s modern world, I started noticing women being embarrassed declaring what their “body count” is. God, I hate that term. Many of us are too scared to admit we’ve slept with less than 10 men, but at the same time aren’t too keen on lying for fear of being slut shamed. What a conundrum indeed.
I know women with higher counts who complain of men not taking them seriously. I know women with lower counts giving disclaimers first before admitting the number.
Why are we counting? Why are we comparing? Why are we embarrassed? Why are we in competition?
If you’re a woman who knows herself and enjoys exploring and sleeping around as many of my clients do, then good for you! You do you. But if you’re a woman caught in between what you think you should be doing because everybody else says so versus what your body and values are actually telling you, then I advice you to take a step back and process things first. On your own (or with a trusted professional or unbiased friend).
A preacher and empowerment speaker RC Blakes has received a lot of pushback from feminists on his platforms. When he talks about a woman surrendering to her man – learning to trust him as he leads her, feminists cry foul and call it submission. When he talks about not sleeping with a man immediately and waiting for him to earn it, they call it old school conservatism and puritanism. When he advises women not to chase a relationship – reminding her of her value, they accuse him of being unable to see the power women have to choose their sexual partners. When he advises women not to pursue a particular type (finance, trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes) and instead focus on character, they get triggered and point out that we are worthy and deserving of EVERYTHING, and we can MANIFEST what we want, including a rich man.
As I’ve gotten older with one failed marriage behind me, I have become extremely picky to the point I’m celibate — not that I’m complaining. While it is true I probably dismiss men more than I should, I cannot help but trust my intuition on who will be a waste of time and what is actually worth it.
The whole point of this long ass blog is this: We are grateful for the many amazing feats women have so far been able to accomplish in the last century. But in 2024, no one can tell you what to do: who to sleep with, how many is a good number, what makes you a woman, how to bag a man…yada yada yada. In the end, you’re going to have to shut everybody out and simply trust yourself and go from there.
You do you.
ciao lovely women of the world,
brit-brit
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